Recently, I was pondering (as I often do) about life and mulling over its minute details. I promptly realized that lessons can be learned from these details — even big lessons. One source of a great number of such insignificant details is Facebook, from which I have learned many things.
Allow me to outline just a few things that I have learned from Facebook in recent months.
- My acquaintances are actually “friends.”
- Any given friend may, intermittently, be something else. Currently, my friend Ryan is “Kutless rocks” and Di is “OMG 3 DAYS WEEKEND.”
- I have 54 friends, 7 of whom I have never met.
- 55% of my friends are girls, 45% are guys.
- Two of my friends are at their computer perpetually. The only conclusion I can draw is that they are actually superheroes.
- Approximately 35% of my friends are in a relationship.
- I am, subsequently, ashamed to have ever thought that “everyone has a girlfriend but me.”
- Indians (by which I mean to say citizens of India) use Facebook and speak perfect English.
- You can actually get a job, and possibly a career, simply by responding to a Facebook message. I did it, and so can you.
- You can reload to be getting new cat.
- 863 things irritate Claire (and counting!).
- I have hooked up with 3 of my friends. I remember none of it.
- About 9% of my friends were met through other friends.
I have also learned a great many things about how I match up to my friends. Beware, as these facts may be surprising, disturbing, and eerily accurate.
- I am better at science than my friends 85% of the time.
- I am preferred as a date above my friends 100% of the time.
- I am 75% sexier than my friends.
- I am also 75% better at public speaking than my friends.
- Three out of four of my friends would rather marry me than my other friends. That’s 75%. Remember, earlier I said only 55% of my friends were girls. This means that 20% of my guy friends must be gay.
- I am the preferred person to hang out with for a day, 100% of the time.
- Four out of three of my friends would rather sleep with me.
- I am considered 75% more useful than my friends.
- I have been rated “best father,” yet I am single and have in no way proved my potential.
- I am a better listener than any of my friends.
- My taste in music is 75% better than my friends.
- I am more organized than any of my friends. (Now that is a joke!)
- I am happier than my friends.
- One of my friends wants to kiss me.
- I am a poor artist, half as good as any of my friends. Yet, my profile picture (artistically created in Photoshop) is considered better than any of my friends’ profile pictures.
- My body is 66% better than my friends’ bodies. A congruent figure would rather travel with me.
- I am a lousy catch, yet my friends would rather have dinner with me.
- I smell half as good as my friends.
- There is a 66% chance I will skip class and a 100% chance I will win in a fight.
- Half of my friends would rather live with me.
- I would make a terrible mother. (!!)
- I am 66% more adventurous than my friends, yet study 66% harder. (Notice how 1/3 of me is, therefore, simultaneously adventurous and studious.)
- My friends would rather be stuck on a desert island with me. (I say screw ‘em, I’d rather not be on the freaking island!)
- I am crazier than any of my friends. I can’t argue.
- I have a horrific laugh.
- My friends are 72% more entertaining than I am. Ouch.
- I am 50% more “cuddly.” I don’t know whether I should be proud or not, but since it’s 50%, I suppose it doesn’t matter either way.
- I am 50% more reliable than my friends. Impossible; I never turn my friends down.
- I am not brave, powerful, attractive, outgoing, generous, or cute by any means.
- I am less tech-savvy than half of my friends. (!!!)
- I can drink more than half of my friends (individually, of course).
- My hairstyle is obviously obsolete.
- I am as creative as half of my friends.
- 0% of my friends are jealous of me. I’m hurt.
- I am 1/3 as good of a friend.
- I have no fashion sense and cannot sing or dance at all.
- When it comes to being nice, I’m about average.
- My smile makes people cringe.
- I’m not hot.
- I don’t work hard.
- I’m not confident.
- I’m not loyal or well-mannered.
- And no one wants to be stuck in handcuffs with me.
Wow, that last one really hurt. My friends must not love me. This is another fact I have discovered through the Facebook medium.
In conclusion, for information gathering and discovery, Facebook is capable of uncovering the most incredible secrets and transforming an otherwise stable individual into a hopeless despondent. It is an unmatched utility for learning all about yourself and your friends. Don’t miss the opportunity, go login to Facebook and consider the intricate details and their broader ramifications now!
